Like a phoenix, I am reborn from the ashes of my desolation in the last three weeks. This did not really look to be the case, before the second fixture of my double gameweek, as all my players save for KDB blanked, including triple captain Salah. However, he came in clutch and I banged 48 points for my triple captain, blowing my previous best of 21 with this cursed chip out of the water. I gained 58 of 74 points this week from Liverpool players, and I will be sticking with the triple up. I cannot ignore the state of my team however and have hit the wildcard. Lets take a look at what the clowns did this week.

Goalkeepers

Vincente Guaita: 2 points

I cannot hide my hatred for this man. Why can I not make a correct decision when it comes to the goalkeeper position. Worthless performance and he leaves my team without registering a single clean sheet.

Michael McGovern: 0 points

He didn’t play, and unfortunately I must say adieu to the last holdout from my GW1 team. The 0.1 savings I could have swapping to Button is the price of sentimentality apparently.

Defenders

John Lundstram: 1 point

Has he lost his spot? Is he just leggy from being overworked? Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter, the Lord has to go. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is something I will regret, but with Leicester’s failure to beat Villa in the league cup, Lunny will blank in 28 and I cannot have four players rested in a week. Goodbye dear friend, I’ll catch you on the flipside.

Caglar Soyuncu: 2 points

My dear soyboy. Why have you forsaken me. Someone told me to look at the points history of my Leicester assets and it shocked me. One return in eight for Caglar, it’s just too much to stomach. Another spineless performance this week let me down and really made my backline putrid.

Martin Kelly: 1 point

There is nothing to say. I expected nothing yet I was still let down.

Diego Rico: 5 points

The danger man returns! He gets back into the lineup, and lays on an assist. Was apparently also inches from scoring. Of course, he was on my bench, but that was to be expected.

Joe Gomez: 8 points

My man Joe. He comes in clutch and is a rock in the back. He has secured the starting spot next to VVD and the Liverpool defense is looking impenetrable. He’s going to be a survivor of my team purge.

Midfielders

Sadio Mane: 1 point

The sad man made me a happy man. He decided that he just didn’t feel right, and walked himself off the pitch in the first half of the first game in a double gameweek, much to the chagrin of the thousands of managers that triple captained him. For once, I was not struck with this. He’s out for a few weeks and out of my team, there is only one man for me.

Kevin de Bruyne: 7 points

Honestly, what would I do without you Kevin? Week in and week out he delivers the goods (except when I captain him of course). It would be absolute lunacy to not have Mr. Consistent now, and he will be the beating heart of my side for the rest of the season.

Leander Dendoncker: 2 points

My 2 point king. He never let me down. He also outperformed the majority of my team this week, which is a bit of a disgrace.

James Maddison: 2 points

THAT’S IT. I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS PURPLE PATCH MERCHANT. ONE RETURN IN NINE MATCHES. ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS AND UN-INVOLVED IN THE ATTACK. HE WILL BANG NOW THAT I SHIP HIM BUT I AM BLINDED BY RAGE WHEN IT COMES TO THIS FRAUD.

Mohamed Salah (3X C): 16 points (48)

I have waited so long for this. The triple captain chip has always been cursed for me, with blank after blank. One was definitely on me for trusting Diego Costa but the rest were reasonable. Now after the first frustrating performance of the DGW, Salah banged a goal and assist (nearly a brace too) and catapulted me back up the ranks. I’ll trust the Egyptian with the armband for the next few weeks.

Forwards

Jamie Vardy: 1 point

Now if you thought my backline was wank, take a look at this frontline. All three only gave me one point. Truly woeful. With Leicester losing to Villa in the league cup, my hopes are not very high for a Vardy party, but nevertheless I persist with the geriatric statbuster. He will return to form, sooner or later.

Danny Ings: 1 point

With Rashy injured, the obvious choice was to bring in Dings. Of course, I broke him and he blanked. Now he has to play Liverpool, where he will likely also blank. But I am finally protected from the pain and suffering he caused me.

Mason Greenwood: 1 point

This was your chance, my boy. But no, lets rest Mason against Burnley and start him against Man City, says the Norwegian PE teacher. I think I may give little Mason whiplash with how rapidly I’m taking him in and out of my team.