I am at a loss for words. I am broken. I am now numb. I’m detaching myself emotionally from these results because they are just spoiling my day. This week I had a nightmare, plummeting another 199k ranks to 799,986 and to dead last in my mini leagues with 39 points all out. I’ll briefly team all my players a new one.

Goalkeepers

Paulo Gazzaniga: 3 points

Once again, Spurs fail to clean. What a massive disappointment Gazza has been. Goodbye. Welcome Guaita and lets get ready for the inevitable Spurs clean sheet.

Michael McGovern: 0 points

Didn’t play.

Defenders

John Lundstram: 2 points

His points don’t matter and he got two of them, probably gonna bench him the next two weeks.

Caglar Soyuncu: 0 points

Leicester got whopped again. They had no chance and Soyboy was punished. My team’s fate is forever intertwined with the Foxes’ so lets hope they pick it up.

Jetro Willems: 0 points

I really can’t stand this man. That is all.

Martin Kelly: 2 points

They just decided to stop cleaning once I got him. Typical. How do I react to this? Doubling up. I am the master of my own destiny.

Diego Rico: 0 points

Didn’t play.

Midfielders

Sadio Mane: 6 points

He did better than Salah for once! But just an assist, i’m a bit annoyed. Its like joining my team was flicking the switch to making him return to the form of two years ago.

Kevin de Bruyne: 5 points

Disappointing result from the brilliant Belgian who still got an assist. This especially is why I need to distance myself. It physically hurts to see City do this week in and week out. Why Ederson, Why?

James Maddison: 1 point

Same as Soyboy, Leicester were just at the end of a spanking. Thats three blanks in a row for him though.

Dele Alli: 8 points

Delstroyer paid off, he actually got a goal but I heard Spurs didn’t play all too well. Oh well, I shoulda capped him.

Leander Dendoncker: 2 points

He did his duty once again, racking up a healthy 2 points. I salute you brother.

Forwards

Jamie Vardy: 2 points

Last week I said Vardy would not score against Liverpool. I was right. Now he almost certainly will be rested against Hammers, or I would cap him. Oh well.

Marcus Rashford: 6 points

I know he got a goal and I don’t want to be ungrateful, but come on. Greenwood has outscored him since I swapped the two. I should have stuck with my baby boy.

Tammy Abraham: 2 points

Tamela. I am incensed. Awful performance, Chelsea are dire. He took one shot and put it off target. It was so frustrating I had to turn the game off. I’ve owned him four weeks and he’s blanked four in a row. Typical.