A week for the history books. I know that I have said this before, but this was truly my worst ever week of FPL. I finished on a grand total of 26 points, on top of which I had taken a hit, meaning my score was 22 points, a full 16 below the average. This whopping score essentially doubled my rank, bringing me all the way down to 603,241. I just can’t seem to get anything right, but luck was really against me this week. I’ll be tearing into all of these mugs to see what wen’t wrong. Few will escape my fury.

Goalkeepers

Paulo Gazzaniga: 0 points

I’ve had it. You brain-dead mong. To think I actually thought you could take the spot from Lloris, who is problematic himself. The first goal, nearly unsaveable, don’t fault him there. But the second… I’ve never seen a more moronic piece of goalkeeping. He came flying out with a kung-fu kick, with little intention to get to the ball, and got himself a yellow and conceded a pen in the process. Getting him in has been a massive mistake, and this will likely be his last week in my team.

Michael McGovern: 0 points

Didn’t play, still did just as well as Paulo though.

Defenders

John Lundstram: 6 points

One of my two players to return, the ever reliable Lord Lunny. Unfortunately, everyone owns him, so his points were ultimately meaningless.

Martin Kelly: 2 points

A new addition to my squad, to replace the outgoing Trent. He held a clean for a very long time, only to lose it at the very end. Disappointing but not that bad compared to some of the other clowns in this team. Do better next time.

Caglar Soyuncu: 0 points

Another no-points merchant in my starting lineup. I benched him for a reason, as he was going away to Manchester City, but an unfortunate series of events brought him back into my lineup, much to my chagrin. He got a yellow and conceded a lot of goals. This was predictable.

Diego Rico: 1 point

Well, in last weeks writeup I said, “now that I’m starting Rico instead of benching him, get ready for a 1-pointer”. I was right. He lost a clean sheet late on in a very easy game, then got himself a yellow and a ban for the next game. Great. Just what I needed. I’m down to one bench option.

Jetro Willems: 0 points

This is the one I’m angriest about. GET OUT OF MY TEAM. Whenever I play you, nothing. When I bench you, haul. Newcastle gets a nice clean this week, and he is inexplicably excluded from the squad. Why? I needed those points now more than ever. You are truly worthless.

Midfielders

Sadio Mane: 0 points

Away at the Club World Cup, didn’t play.

Kevin De Bruyne: 4 points

He got a yellow for yelling at the ref, but my god he was good again. Sensational form from the Belgian, who was unfortunate to leave the game with only one assist. As I have said so many times, he is a season long keeper.

James Maddison: 2 points

A blank, predictably. The champions of England gave Leicester city and Brendan Rodgers a real footballing lesson. I haven’t been too pleased with Maddo over the last weeks, but I know what he’s capable of and will be holding.

Leander Dendoncker: 2 points

Another returning face to my team, he did nothing, which is exactly what I signed him to do. Just play 60 minutes and collect those 2 points and we won’t have any problems.

Heung-Min Son (C): -1 point

Comical. This really could not have gone worse. This one will go down in the FPL history books, much like the Sane 1 point triple captain last winter. Son was useless and uninvolved all game, until he got into a tussle with Rudiger and tried to stamp him. He got himself sent right off, with a 3 game ban. Seems like the “son is the nicest man in football” trope is done, that’s the third red card he’s gotten this calendar year. He’s a dirty player, and crying won’t make it go away this time.

Forwards

Jamie Vardy: 9 points

I was really considering giving him the armband, and as I predicted last week, he found joy on the counter against Manchester City. Too bad he’s the most owned player in the game, so once again these points were useless. Don’t think he’s gonna find the net against Liverpool though.

Tammy Abraham: 2 points

He looked tired. Took three shots in the game nonetheless, and held the ball up well. I’ll probably be handing him the armband this week, purely out of necessity, lets hope he rewards me after going on a three week blanking streak. Guess how long I’ve owned him?

Marcus Rashford: 2 points

Another new addition to my team, another failure. I woke up after his game ended, and was happy that I had captained Son and avoided Rashie’s 2 point haul. Ironic. A silver lining appeared in Paul Pogba, as the team managed to generate 1.01 xG in the 25 minutes he actually played. Let’s hope that this leads to some rewards for Rashford in the upcoming games. I really don’t want to have to spunk my 2nd wildcard early.