I never enjoyed football or FPL anyways. Think I might get really into cricket now. Things have not gone well this week, even for my standards. I managed to rack up 34 points, which left me with a -125K red arrow, back down to rank 659,806. The week was already not looking good when De Bruyne was ruled out for injury, but my players really rose to the moment and collectively decided to do fuck all to ease the blow. I’ll be looking at each of my players individually to assess how they did this week.

Goalkeepers

Adrian: 2 points

What an absolute knob. The “cheeky” Adrian punt on wildcard went absolutely horrifically. Pope has kept several cleans in the same time to his one, in which he even managed to get a yellow. I truly, truly cannot wait to bin this man. I think that’s something I’ll be saying a lot in this post.

Michael McGovern: 9 points

What the actual hell. I never thought this man would get a single premier league minute, but hes gone ahead and banged 9 points, in a game where he conceded five! A saved pen and two bones go a long way. Magnus Carlsen started him, because he clearly can see the future, I cannot, so I’m not gonna beat myself up about this one.

Defenders

Trent-Alexander Arnold: 3 points

A lot has changed since last season, Liverpool have forgotten how to keep a clean sheet, Manchester City has forgotten how to play football. Trent somehow managed to grab a bone, which I’m happy about because his 3 point return bettered the vast majority of my team’s scores.

Nicolas Otamendi: 1 point

This man is a 🤡. I long for the days when City had the luxury of keeping him on the bench. Still wont sell him, but my god man, stop ruining every single one of my weekends.

John Lundstram: 5 points

A clean and the first real ‘return’ in my team! He did get a yellow too but i’m in no position to be getting upset about that. Sheffield really look like a solid defensive side, might be tempted to get Henderson in for Adrian soon.

Caglar Soyuncu: 0 points

Farquaad didn’t get any points this week, not that I expected him to. He actually had a bullet of a header which Adrian miraculously saved, so hes looking like a good hold for the future option.

Diego Rico: 2 points

I didn’t really expect anything from him, being away at the Emirates, but Bournemouth only conceded 1. He was also recently voted Bournemouth player of the month for September, so he will probably be a safe bet for long term bench fodder.

Midfielders

Mohamed Salah: 2 points

Another class act from Salah. Once again, he looked absolutely turgid and was outshone by his cheaper teammate, the SadMan. I was so close to pulling the trigger on swapping Salah and Barnes for Aubameyang and Maddison, but I thought to myself, “remember when you transferred out Salah two years ago and he banged a hat trick right away?” Well, he didn’t this time, and I don’t think he will anytime soon.

Raheem Sterling (C): 2 points

Despicable. I have no words. A truly woeful performance from City saw them take a home loss against Wolves and let the lucky scousers get even further ahead. Obscene Raheem only managed a paltry 0.15 xG all game, I expect more from a man like him.

Kevin de Bruyne: 0 points

Didn’t play. Please get well soon Ginger Prince.

Todd Cantwell: 2 points

Here I sat, ready to make a derogatory pun involving Cantwell’s name and some adult language, when I realized it wasn’t even worth it. The man is truly useless, and has enough on his plate coming to terms with that. I don’t need to kick him when hes down, because his price will be dropping like a stone.

Mason Mount: 7 points

Mount! My boy! My lad! My savior! He actually got points, and provided some value! Chelsea seem to really be finding some form, and Mason is the value pick of the bunch, I’m happy to have him for the rest of their nice run, and Might consider grabbing Callum Hudson-Odoi as well, since I do love these double-barreled surnames.

Forwards

Teemu Pukki: 1 point

I am livid. I defended the man multiple times, surely he just needs a nice home banker to get his confidence back. No. He has been exposed as a real counter-attack merchant and rubbish Norwich got clapped. Another head dangerously close to the chopping block in my team. Oh by the way he got a yellow too! Great!

Ashley Barnes: 2 points

I sure am getting some mileage out of this GIF. I always tell myself never to make transfers out of rage, but I am blinded. He bangs em in the first four weeks, I get him in, not a sniff in 4 weeks. The Austrian fraud will hopefully never grace my team again. Expect him to resume scoring next week then.

Sebastien Haller: 5 points

He scored. Yay. Sure isn’t a lot of points for a goal though. He got a yellow, and was playing like it was his intention to get sent off. Nevertheless, he is the only one of my forwards who isn’t a total wasteman, so he has that going for him. You’re safe for now big Seb, but I wanna see some 9 pointers from now on.