Well. This was perhaps my worst ever week in FPL, especially coming right off a wildcard. When I go through tough times in my personal life, I can always rely on this game to make me feel a thousand times worse, something I didn’t even think was possible. Finishing on a whopping 36 points, I was 16 below the average score and ended up dropping an insane 770K to right outside the top million players. I really hope it can’t get any worse than this.

Goalkeepers

Adrian: 2 points

A real big brain move here, swapping out Nick Pope for Adrian gave me a solid net -1 points. This was a bit of a jammy score, if there hadn’t been an unsaveable weak foot banger in the 7th minute, a clean would have been kept and crisis averted, Adrian didn’t even have to make a save the whole match.

Michael McGovern: 0 points

Didn’t play.

Defenders

Trent Alexander-Arnold: 2 points

I brought TAA in for his attacking output, as he seemed to be the only one doing anything. He rewarded me handsomely, with a pathetic two points. However, his underlying numbers were great, with 2 shots and 7 key passes. Returns are around the corner! I hope

Lucas Digne: 0 points

I am somewhat at a loss when it comes to Everton defense. One week they’re watertight, the next weak they’re leakier than Edward Snowden. After conceding a shocking 3 goals to a previously goalshy Bournemouth, Digne collected a yellow card to lock in the 0 pointer. Thanks.

Nicolas Otamendi: 1 point

This fixture in particular caused me the most grief. Otamendi is a clown. His defensive play was shocking, with his signature brainfart costing city a goal and the game. I got him in as I believe Zinchenko’s place is somewhat under threat from Mendy soon, but I’m not sure how reliable Man City will be for clean sheets anyways. The only silver lining is that Otamendi was threatening going forward, banging off 3 headed shots. He better score one soon.

John Lundstram: 1 point

I am an idiot. I am a mong. I was clearly blinded and influenced by his earlier haul, somehow playing him in every following week, much to my chagrin more than once now. As a rule I will stick to, I firmly promise to always play the attacker and leave Lunny on the bench.

Caglar Soyuncu: 2 points

Please forgive me for not including all the accents in this guys name, it was too much for me to handle. Unlucky to get only 2 points, as Manchester Utd somehow avoided the 0-0 scoreline this dross game deserved by being awarded yet another penalty. They’ve already had 4. That’s enough, time to stop.

Midfielders

Mohamed Salah: 9 points

Why have I forsaken you, Pharaoh? The armband was on Salad until Friday, until I gave it to a certain unnamed ginger. A classic Salah performance saw him net a goal and two bones, maybe I should just captain him every week. That’s probably a big reason why my set and forget team is outperforming my real one.

Kevin de Bruyne (C): 1 point

Okay I am now naming the ginger. Pep was feeling a little big for his boots, and decided to rest his key playmaker, best playing the premier league, Kevin de Bruyne. Fittingly, City was battered and had nearly no creativity whatsoever. This still wasnt enough to bring Kevin on before the 67th minute. He looked threatening, yet created nothing except some misery in my apartment.

Raheem Sterling: 2 points

Raz has been a bit off the boil. Two blanks in a row against fairly weak defenses, he failed to impress yet again. I cannot say I am as outraged about this one, as almost everyone had him captained, and had he scored my Kevin de Bruyne shaped pill would have been much more bitter to swallow.

Todd Cantwell: 6 points

Do you remember when I said always play the attacker? This is why. Cantwell was brought in for the great value he provides, and immediately proved his worth by scoring against Man City. This did me no good at all though as he was sat on my bench, so that the one point wonder Lundstram could play again. Sigh.

Matteo Guendouzi: 2 points

Arsenal had a similarly embarrassing weekend, drawing with bottom place Watford. Guendouzi held up 2-1 as he was subbed, and karma came to get him as Arsenal swiftly conceded another goal. He didn’t do much of note, delivering only a key pass, but what can I expect from bench fodder.

Forwards

Ashley Barnes: 2 points

My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined. I decided to switch up the structure of my team to facilitate 3 forwards, and was rewarded handsomely with two blanks. This was made even better by the double return that King got, who I slagged off every single week that I had him. Barnes didn’t even have good numbers this game, only taking one very low xG shot. Let’s hope he picks it up, because I’m worried.

Sebastien Haller: 2 points

My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined. I even wrote an article gassing this man up and slating Tammy Abraham. Guess what happened? He blanked and Tammy scored a hat trick. Maybe I should just let my cat make the fantasy picks for me. He had okay numbers though, with 2 shots and 3 key passes (finally some creativity!) This is one for the future but I wish it could be one for the present.

Teemu Pukki: 12 points

There is no end to the Pukki party. A goal, assist and 3 bones against the greatest team in English football history, there really is no reason not to own this man now, as he’s put one past both Liverpool and City. His underlying numbers support him, putting up 0.89 xG and 0.70 xA, a respectable haul against a mid-table side, unspeakably good against the former champions.